Back again.

At the same spot where I lost myself.

Bringing back what I do best.

But yet the lingering feeling tells me otherwise.

Like it or not, I have lost it.

Did I misplace it?

Or did my priorities run slightly ajar?

How did I ever become like this?


I’m at a loss at what I am underneath. There is a saying that if you use a mask to fight off evil, inevitably the mask and your face will merge as one. Whilst you’re busy fighting the monsters, you’re morphing into a monster itself.

I can’t remember how I became the loud-spoken person that I seemed to be during my Sixth Form years and varsity years. As far as memory serves me, my life has been very enclosed. Primary to secondary, I was the constant butt of all jokes and jibs. I was also the target for bullies. As someone told me, when you mistreat your family or relatives it will come back to you in a different situation and scenario. Karma really exists. I was also the caught in between the classifications of groupies. There are the nerds, the jocks, the losers, the rich kids, the wannabe’s, the ass-kissers, the weirdo’s, the silent types, the anti-socials and many more. I didn’t’ fit into any of the classification above.

Let me recap. During my primary years, if I recall clearly I think I was having an identity crisis. I wasn’t really into all the boyish games like “chopping, football, basketball, kejar-kejar.” It isn’t my fault that I fell more in love with the likes of “batu seremban, hop-scotch and rope jumping (the one where we make a skipping rope out of a few hundred rubber bands)” After all, how come society has to stereotype what games boys and girls should and shouldn’t play? I guess that didn’t set me apart that much; I guess I was likeable by both parties.

Then moving into secondary, my life was like totally upside down. Living my adolescent years in all boys school was a blessing and a curse at the same time. Firstly, you get a deep involvement in the fantasising of women in their prime. But not all my secondary female teachers were in their prime, some of them have passed it but there were still some who provided us lonely, deprived boys some light at the end of the tunnel. So during my early years, I felt that maybe I was in the nerdy group. Judging on my appearances with hormonal raging at its peak, I wasn’t the best sight in KL.

People tend to judge others on how they look, but when you’re outer appearances is like that; I had a big crosshair embedded deeply onto my back with bright, flashing, raving colours of red and black that was every bully’s Vodka Shot.

I still remember this particular bully. He used to bully me in class even when I’m not in his way. There was a particular incident where I was doing my homework during an interval after a subject has ended, he went behind me and started pushing the back of my chair so that the chair that I was sitting on was standing solely on the front two legs. And with his still boyish voice ringing loudly telling me to “Go in la faster, harhh!”, I just told him “You cannot wait ar?” in the voice that trembled with timidity. To top it all off, he stays around my area and since his mom sends him to school with a few other boys, my mum decided to pin me to the bandwagon. It was hell for me, being hard enough to actually understand why you have to spend more time seeing your enemy more than what is required to.

And so I went.

There were two other boys who followed him to. One guy was a church friend, so he was alright. I wouldn’t say we were close but enough for the compulsory greetings. Another kid that followed was the rich kid. He had all the latest gadgets with him, the latest games that would make all the kids go green with envy. And he made it particularly obvious to me because when all of us would converge at the bully’s house, the rich kid would invite my church mate and the bully over to his place to play his PS2. He invited them without even making a glance at my face nor acknowledging my existence. It was as though I was emitting some sort of nasty aura that seems to have irritated his sensitive nose. That was just one of the daily horrors to be endured daily on the bitchiest ride to school.

After enduring some unbearable time period with them, I finally decided to put my legs to good use. I walked back from school and this was the perfect ploy for me to divert to places which I knew would get me addicted. Cyber Cafes are the nastiest addiction. The Local Area Network Games like Counter-Strike, Warcraft, DOTA, etc were the main pull for all ages. I got hooked on Counter-Strike and it was the best time of my life. Pushing aside all the scolding, I would gladly do it the same way again if time were to rewind itself.

So how did I actually change from timid and bully target to sex-loving-kinky-nymphomaniac? It was during my Sixth Form Years that I found that I’m now amongst the same scenario as primary. I was able to connect better with the girls around me. And that there was no need for me to feel alone and an outcast again. So it was from there that I learnt to communicate with others by talking about what they like and doing things that endeared to them. In a way, I was vying to get in into the ass-kisser group.
But then, things took an even greater toll during varsity years. Pervasion was the key thing to bonding with my friends. They looked at me as though I’m the top pervert but still I maintained my likeability because of my idiotic acts and being a lamer. Still I guess that when you can act feminine when you’re around women, they’ll take you into their fold though not all will do that. And when you can masculine among your male buddies, you gain fame and reputation that I was only able to dream during my younger years.

So, I managed to make a lot of friends. But through it all, I learnt one thing. When you behave like that, people will have no respect for you. They see you as a funny person without respect for yourself. I did all sorts of stuff that have quickly eroded my respect. Doing things that cannot be considered funny but downright brainless. Just for the record, being overly exalted is not good. Women will be intimidated.

That was me during previous times. Now, I’m still trying to understand who we basically are and what does it take to know that sometimes our enemies respect us more that our friends.

I want to share this because I want all of us to know that even though they are called your friends, they still might not be giving you the respect you deserve.


See who I am. Dissect who they were. Cannibalise all.

Identity Theft

I lost my identity. Seriously, I don’t know who I was during secondary school and college times. I was switching between two finely sculpted masks that shielded me from unnecessary torment from bearing the truth.

Let me just give you a recap. During secondary years, I was the quiet nerd in the class. I didn’t’ mix well with people of my own faith and colour. Instead, I found solace within those of different colours than me. I was a constant hit for “friends” to launch friendly jibes against me. I never could give a good comeback. I didn’t have many friends I could call friends.

At church, I was the kid who follows his mom’s orders. I used to enjoy little dares that A and I used to do, like climbing the church rooftop or even hanging out at his old dilapidated home reading Japanese Manga (Doraemon, Dragon Ball, etc) Still, I had to endure torment from my Catechism mates. Church wasn’t the end point for me.

Form 6 was one of my better memories. There I felt consoled because women were there. I was able to melt better with women rather than with men. Still, it felt oddly fake that I was this joker that everybody has developed a love-hate relationship. I was an angry kid; at home and at constant war with mom. I managed to develop popularity among the ladies; it did manage to help ease my passing through Form 6. Yet, I still wasn’t spared from the hatred stemming from people of the same colour as me. There were some whom were nice to me but that was rare as a meteor fragment. Throughout this time, I still took comfort in the other colours.

College was almost the same. I ended in a class that has an overwhelming percentage of my own colour people. I decided to give this new group a try and it paid off. It was a bargain that only a fool would make to ensure he has sufficient gold to last him a lifetime. I traded my inner insecurities for the Joker’s façade. It was the only method that would work. Making a fool out of myself enabled me to bond closer with people of my colour. And it was a clear indication that I wasn’t a person to be taken seriously. And that took a toll on me for my assignments, etc. These people whom are the same colour have sidelined me because of my incompetence. That bargain didn’t not entail all these disasters and miseries. This dragged on for three years.

As time went on, a friend told me she had feelings for me and would like to take it to the next level. Still, it was an oxymoron because she said that I like you but I cannot love you. Huh? Anyways, the reason was because I was too “fa sum” which means flirtatious. Yes, I admit that I was friendly to all my girlfriends and there was a level of flirtation that both parties were comfortable with.

And the time came for me to fall in with someone. She was this loud-spoken, aggressive, brave and classy person whom I have never encountered before. But I couldn’t tell her, she would have slaughtered me. Plus, I’ve made myself as an incredulous potential candidate due to my irrepressible management of character. That killed it. I still dropped hints here and there but sadly she didn’t notice or was more likely ignoring it blissfully.

And the three years ended. Still I don’t feel the need to miss them or meet up with all of them. I am still alone and now that the façade has been embedded so deeply, I am now stuck at a point where I cannot make head from tail.

My identity has submerged itself under the gargantuan icebergs that reveal only the pinnacle of their character.

I have yet to reveal myself. God help me when I do.


”Anonymous”

Ingrate. Tak mengenang budi.

When was the last time you were perfectly happy with everything? I was never.

Yesterday when I was waiting for the bus at Tmn Melati LRT to go back home, I dropped by the usual stall for my favourite banana balls on a satay stick. There I noticed there was this little girl who was doing her revision. She quickly stood up and asked me "Yes?"

I was stunned. What did you just say? Call me bias, cold-hearted, racist, ingrate, etc. but this young girl just blew me away. She said "Yes?" again and I was bitchslapped in the face.

"Oh ya, bagi dua nie. Berapa ya?" - Me
"Satu 50 sen, dua seinggit" - She
"Thank you"
"Thank you" - Both said it simultenously.

After paying her, she went back to her work while her mom served the other lady who was taking away some dishes. I just looked at her.

It was then I realised I was caught. She didn't have the luxury of PS 2's and Emily Strange stuff. Her mom was earning a meagre salary that would be just enough to support the family. Of course we all have that notion that the newspaper vendor probably takes home double of the peanuts we earn but for now let's just keep it as the "poor family" scenario aite?

With a wooden table as thin as plywood as her study table, she diligently filled up the blanks in the sentences. I just stared at her focused so intently that she wasn't too bothered about her surroundings unless her mom nudged her.

So are we grateful for everything we have? Like everyone says, be grateful for what we have. Are we?

For example, when the train is packed to the brim and late, are we grateful to have the LRT moving and not SPOILT?

Last Thursday 20/11, I took a walk from my office (Kelana Square) to Kelana Jaya LRT. It was a fruitful walk as Eunice called me and asked me whether I would like a ride or not. I politely declined :P

I enjoyed the cool breeze (CO2 + Honks + "Fresh Air" + Misc) and realised that it wasn't hot. I'm grateful for the walk. It was the best I had. And that was a prelude to the event that unfolded yesterday 25/11.

For Her.


What is it about a girl that attracts me? Can anyone take a wild guess at it?

I won't leave the time frame to let you'll guess. That will most probably take ages.


I was in the LRT a couple of weeks back and encountered the most annoying sight in my eyes. There was an empty seat at KLCC station and this couple freshly squeezed from the station made their way to the seat. The boy being the more gentleman gave his seat to the girl. So she sat. Then the boy started to fondle with her face. Not in any sexual manner but if you use you're gracious imagination, you'll be able to carve out a rough picture of what actually trascended.

The boy caressed the girls cheeks and she just purred along like a well-trained "manja" cat would have no trouble executing.

"Alright, this will just be like sporadic. Ah..I'll let 'em be."

Big mistake. The boy continued to fondle her face and her hair. Oh My! Am I flabbergasted or what? The sickening act of that throughout the torturous 15-minute journey made me want to bitchslap her and say "PLEASE DON"T PRACTICE YOUR PUBLIC DISPLAYING AFFECTIONATE ACT"

And it just gets better after that. She's tired. Boy puts out hand and she makes it her pillow. And she drools or kisses it like it's a matter of life and death and that will be last thing that she'll ever get her mouth on and into. (Don't think pervertly you dirty-minded people!)

So that lasted for quite awhile now. What an exciting journey.



Back to my question, what is it about a girl that attracts me?

Humour, able to accept that I hate food wasters (because you don't know how to appreciate the essential nourishment of life) & don't waste food! , musically inclined, understanding about my schedule(gym, meetings, miscellanous stuff, etc) and most of all, A GOOD KISSER (JUST KIDDING!!!)

Looks don't really matter, it's the ability to make me smile and laugh that will smite me. I'm not choosy. It's just that some girls just don't have the knack for it and they try so hard to make it happen. I pity them. Why pressure yourself when there is someone out there who is looking for your type of character? Stay the same.

Quote a friend:

"My friends ask me, dude, what's wrong with you? We know your taste man and she ain't no way near there."

"She makes me happy. I guess that's why."



Simple right? We forsake all rules of physical attraction when we're happy with that someone.

"Love is blind. Losing its eyesight was the best thing that happened to Love."

~Author Unknown~

Whatever happened? It seems like she must have misunderstood me. Well, I don't exactly have any idea how I am going to play this. But if she believes that nothing lasts forever, I'm going to give her something to make her believe that it will last forever.

If she is adamant, I'll just float away.

Going to play by ear now.

Pretenders: I wish I knew what they are actually

When you put on a mask for the whole of your lifetime, you realise people don’t want to see any other façade other than the one you’ve worn throughout. When you’re all of a sudden a different layer, people turn away and start wondering “What ever happened to him?”

Those who don’t know will always have that notion that what they see is what they get. Or else they will depend on what others say to strengthen their perception. Crude, just so crude.

I might lead a very pretended life. You may say you’re my friend and have known me for many years. But in fact, what you have just graced is just the iceberg. So don’t blame me if I say that you don’t even know a fraction of who I am.

I was just reminded last Wednesday (1^st October) that no one really knows me, not even my brother. I don’t think so I have ever blown my top publicly. Even my mom doesn’t know hell of what is going on. I blew my top to my brother when he made some very unfair allegations. All sorts of names were spitted from my mouth right into the very pinnacle of his soul. I gave him everything that was running through my heart, the anger, the frustration, seething fury.

Coursing my veins were the pleasures of anger but remotely, I felt that it was useless at that point. After all, stimulants are just temporary. If we were to run on the all the time, we would be exhausted and drained. And so my anger faded. Throughout the next few days, it keep annoying me to apologise to him. I held back myself and brainwashed myself saying he should apologise to me first. After all, who asked you to compare me with useless and futile characters? I might not be most useful and obedient but at least I know when to toe the line.

Even I myself wonder, which part of me do I want to show others? The pervert within? The angel? The friend who always crack lame-ass jokes just to make sure others smile? Which one?

I'm torn between those that I love and wearing a façade. Truth or Lie?

“It takes a liar to know another liar”

Do you know who is who and what they are underneath? I don’t think I do. Because people are so good at masking themselves. I’m still learning the ropes. It’s such a tedious process.

The reward for conformity was that everyone liked you except yourself. ~Rita Mae Brown, Venus Envy

Deceiving Our Eyes with Tunnel Vision



I was always an arrogant S.O.B.

I never did believe that anyone could beat me in Public Speaking. Though literally I knew they could, I always believed and held the upper hand that I could dethrone them.

Today I was humbled. I now know that our arrogance will lead to our downfall. I fell. Not hard but enough to feel alive with the stinging sensation coursing through my soul.

Sometimes we think we know best. Does it always start that way? I know mine does.

Anyway, this is just a rambling post. I'm going to seal it as I don't see a point to press on.

I've learnt mine. Have you learnt yours?

Farewell to mediocrity

"You hari-hari kerja ar?"
"Yes boss, hari-hari."

"You takde cuti hari?"

"Ya."

"Wah... manya susah hor.."

"Sikit-sikit la boss; ada letih juga."

Ask any foreign worker(cleaners especially) whether they lament about the shitty schedule they're in. They don't.

Not surprised. Many of us have relinquished the true meaning of "working our asses off!" I have seen the lion's share of people suffering. When you work with big companies, you'll realize that the most important figures are not the big tycoons. It's the small fries that we rely upon the most.

For example, Maxis Communications Sdn Bhd.

The branch at KLCC is akin to hell. People pour in non-stop like hordes of bacteria airborne waiting to swarm and engulf the enemy.

As you all know, KLCC is accessible from the LRT, the park, Twin Towers and the main entrance. People = *not - so clean shoes*

They mop and mop, sweep and sweep. Nothing else but these two same routines everyday. And we complain our jobs are strenous.

I had the golden oppurtunity to meet up with them last time during my stint at Maxis KLCC. They were very down to earth people who shared with you things you never imagine. They shared with me their lunch once when I was busy and no time to go lunch. Can you imagine that? My colleagues were too busy eating lunch, so I was manning the booth. I couldn't simply bring myself not to cry man, that was like super touching.

Whenever you feel like complaining about your job, remember this. No annual leaves except for unpaid leave. To support their family back overseas, they are willing to slog and break every part of themselves to ensure monthly revenues are sent back to their place.

Smile for them, smile for their hard work.

Today, give a stranger one of your smiles. It might be the only sunshine he sees all day. ~Quoted in P.S. I Love You, compiled by H. Jackson Brown, Jr.