Identity Theft

I lost my identity. Seriously, I don’t know who I was during secondary school and college times. I was switching between two finely sculpted masks that shielded me from unnecessary torment from bearing the truth.

Let me just give you a recap. During secondary years, I was the quiet nerd in the class. I didn’t’ mix well with people of my own faith and colour. Instead, I found solace within those of different colours than me. I was a constant hit for “friends” to launch friendly jibes against me. I never could give a good comeback. I didn’t have many friends I could call friends.

At church, I was the kid who follows his mom’s orders. I used to enjoy little dares that A and I used to do, like climbing the church rooftop or even hanging out at his old dilapidated home reading Japanese Manga (Doraemon, Dragon Ball, etc) Still, I had to endure torment from my Catechism mates. Church wasn’t the end point for me.

Form 6 was one of my better memories. There I felt consoled because women were there. I was able to melt better with women rather than with men. Still, it felt oddly fake that I was this joker that everybody has developed a love-hate relationship. I was an angry kid; at home and at constant war with mom. I managed to develop popularity among the ladies; it did manage to help ease my passing through Form 6. Yet, I still wasn’t spared from the hatred stemming from people of the same colour as me. There were some whom were nice to me but that was rare as a meteor fragment. Throughout this time, I still took comfort in the other colours.

College was almost the same. I ended in a class that has an overwhelming percentage of my own colour people. I decided to give this new group a try and it paid off. It was a bargain that only a fool would make to ensure he has sufficient gold to last him a lifetime. I traded my inner insecurities for the Joker’s façade. It was the only method that would work. Making a fool out of myself enabled me to bond closer with people of my colour. And it was a clear indication that I wasn’t a person to be taken seriously. And that took a toll on me for my assignments, etc. These people whom are the same colour have sidelined me because of my incompetence. That bargain didn’t not entail all these disasters and miseries. This dragged on for three years.

As time went on, a friend told me she had feelings for me and would like to take it to the next level. Still, it was an oxymoron because she said that I like you but I cannot love you. Huh? Anyways, the reason was because I was too “fa sum” which means flirtatious. Yes, I admit that I was friendly to all my girlfriends and there was a level of flirtation that both parties were comfortable with.

And the time came for me to fall in with someone. She was this loud-spoken, aggressive, brave and classy person whom I have never encountered before. But I couldn’t tell her, she would have slaughtered me. Plus, I’ve made myself as an incredulous potential candidate due to my irrepressible management of character. That killed it. I still dropped hints here and there but sadly she didn’t notice or was more likely ignoring it blissfully.

And the three years ended. Still I don’t feel the need to miss them or meet up with all of them. I am still alone and now that the façade has been embedded so deeply, I am now stuck at a point where I cannot make head from tail.

My identity has submerged itself under the gargantuan icebergs that reveal only the pinnacle of their character.

I have yet to reveal myself. God help me when I do.


”Anonymous”