I would love to pen my thoughts but some things are better left unsaid...



"I have been away for so long that I myself couldn't remember when I believed that fiction isn't living and breathing."



I happened to have thought of that quote at the instant I decided to write an entry with no proper planning or contingency plan in hand. This is suicide; skydiving without proper parachuting equipment. Nevertheless, I always will have something to say irregardless of the fact that it's all BS.

Fictional books and stories are widespread. Most of us thrive on drama, suspense and pretense to feed our ravaging stomachs. Why believe in fairy tales? Why believe that we all can close one eye and live as though nothing has affected us in any way.

The simple "tidak apa" attitude that is scourging all of us here like a bubonic plague is ravaging. We need superheroes to come and save us! Superman a.k.a Clark Kent, Batman a.k.a Bruce Wayne, Spiderman a.k.a Peter Parker, where are you guys?


Family first. How many times have we'll broken that rule? Countless for me, especially when your parents aren't too keen on supporting your musical inclinations. "What' the return out of the RM 500 that you've deposited? What's the return like? Don't you check the returns first?" Such were the lines uttered when I cracked the tip of the iceberg. I can't really blame her for thinking that way, all parents want their children to have a steady flow of income and good education that can help them later on in life. Securing a good and stable job all comes down to the one certificate called a degree.

I want to graduate with smiling looks all around me, hold up my scroll and say that I did it! But then, I just don't get it. Why procrastinate? But I'm going to be frank with all of you. It has been in my system since the day I enrolled in school. Life is a bitch. No matter what we do, we always have to say that life is always unfair at least once in our lifetime. I've said it like a million gazillion times...What does that make me? A bitch and a half?

I wonder why this entry is taking me so long to publish. Possible infection from Dr Carmen; she writes every once in a blue moon. No offense doc! But anyways, I myself admit that this entry is by far the most honest entry that has ever been published. So, the darker side of me has been revealed. Only about 20% and I'm not going to reveal it all anytime soon....

I would die for you...


We all have had our share of fallouts with our parents right? Many of us are more or less linked with fallouts with our mom (majority) in this fast-paced lifestyle. We fight, but not the good fight. Honestly, there aren't many filial sons and daughters out there. They're very scarce, like an oasis blanketed by the abundance of sand. I myself daresay that my fallouts during my younger years were very horrifying to behold. I did things that hurt her, brought her nothing but tears of pain and an unquestionable credibility of her being a good or bad parent. See? Now I suppose some might wonder why the url blindbrickhome is being used. I told a friend that it was a combination of three inspirational songs.


Lifehouse-Blind, Ben Folds Five-Brick, Michael Buble-Home


Now when I look back at it, it doesn't really make much sense. My mom practically drowns me in her love; only reason for me holding back was because my friends blinded me. Mom's a brick; she drowns me in my sea of shame and embarrassment amongst my friends. Peer pressure that time was pretty much the "in" thing. The only reason I have a home is because that's where the most inspirational and touching adage manifests itself. "A family that eats together stays together." Wherever I am, whatever I do, it all has to return to square one.

Yes, there were fights. It wasn't all lovey-dovey 24/7 but we managed. I hate to swim in the Ocean of Self-Pity; it's so dark, depressing, cold and stirs inferiority in my confidence. Cheers!

p/s: No parent would ever want to torture the child extravagantly; unless you asked for it or it's for your own good...

I'm so "perasaan", someone save me!


I was under the perception that some girl likes me but I ended meeting up with her boyfriend that turns to be a friend of mine from church. Deja Vu I have to complement myself. Do I want to continue to suffer under the scorching sun of "perasaan'ess". Good Lord, after all this years I still have not figured out what is right and wrong for me.

Still, I owe certain people some credit because they have made an impact on me that will change my lifestyle and perception(contradiction of charateristics). Thank you all who have helped me; can't name them for fear of their lives. Anonymous sources aren't so credible but they'll make do for now. Cheers till the next entry!

p/s: I thought of a "very good" quote. "The world is ugly because "beautiful" people view it contrastingly as opposed to "ugly" people. Depending on which station you tune in, viewers ratings will vary from time to time. *IMHO*

Debate people! Full of melodrama as constantly witnessed by many viewers on tv and newspapers. How I savoured the drama when a debate took place last Friday at uni. The journalism students held a debate last Friday, 20 Oct 2006 on two very controversial issues which has been bothering many of us either incessantly or pervasively.

i) Sensitive issues should be discussed openly and in the press
ii) Racial harmony and national stability is more important than press freedom.

i) Government consisted of Bernard Cheah, Mei and Alex. Opposition consisted of people whom I couldn't recall their names. It all started pretty well and at the same time, it looked like Government was on the verge of victory with BC? and Mei kicking things well. IMHO, I thought they really creamed the Opposition with their expansive use of language(a bit of "exaggeration here...). Though I pitied the Opposition, some of the facts provided by the government were a bit shaky in terms of credibility. It spawned fluctuant thoughts. Putting that aside, I was a bit disappointed that the Opposition armed themselves with soft examples. Using rape wasn't the smartest move.Eg:Noritta Samsuddin was a really bad example because she was raped and murdered. How can that escape major news headlines that would carry the reminiscence of NS? I have to say that it's a very weak example. No offence.

The Government did make a major flaw when Alex, the final speaker burped an important note but baked it very controversial. He mentioned that rural people are the uneducated and closed minded ones. It is because of them that riots run wildfire. But I thought that he might have a point downstream. No, nothing floated.

When both teams had finally summarised their points, the audience began their quest. In short, majority of the discussion revolved around Alex's "point". Pity that guy, I've been there and done it. The other matter on hand also was the Kg Medan issue. Some said that it was a racial issue, others got the essence of the story. Truth be told, it all started when two families there had separate occasions. One a funeral and the other a wedding. How come these people don't understand tolerance? Give and take, the world is unfair. So what? We are all attached to what irks most.

All in all, I had to print a very long,unnecessary lecture which I felt didn't really do justice to my point. I was rambling my ass down there with everybody looking at me as though I was some preacher's kid. That's the story for the day my honoured audience and readers...Cheers!

Work work, just started my new job at Maxis KLCC. Promoting wireless broadband and helping people understand the benefits of having this promotion by Maxis as compared to Streamyx. No one can deny the craze that's engulfing this world with 3G all sprouting out like mushrooms. Here, my other colleague is busy walking around promoting but I'm stuck here because I don't have the Maxis Broadband t-shirt. I can be considered as an "illegal" working legally. A bit of a contradiction there but let us not ponder over it further.

Gaining knowledge here with Maxis here is pretty easy. After all, being the "tech-savvy"(not so) I can safely conclude that I owe my handphone a very big thank you as it has helped me understand the more uprising issues like MMS, 3G and so on. Also, thanks to a few friends of mine who also are my "enlighteners" in this uprising tech domain that we all live in.

First day of work here is pretty okay I suppose, it's just that I feel a little bored as my colleague and I haven't bonded really closely yet. FYI, he submitting his resignation letter in a few weeks time after serving the company for about two months. Another FYI, Maxis Broadband isn't under Maxis Corporation. They're sub-contracting it to another company which is Aircel Telecommunication(M) Sdn Bhd. I'm under Aircel, so I do my job and I get paid. No questions asked. But there is a bad feature to this job. The two big Bosses of Maxis Corp is above my head. They just love to pop by any time of the day which means that I can get my head decapitated any given day if the wrong or not precise info is spitted.

I made a sale. The customer was a nice guy with two boys, very polite. Managed to get his sale, thank you Sir! Well, now I'll just be wating till my shift is over at 6. Meanwhile, I better stop here because I hate to lose my job on the first day itself. Moreover, self-pity is only for people who wallow in it without bothering to think about anything else that might change their lifestyle and way of thinking. Till then,cheers!

Well, I've been around here and there. Been busy and all sorts of things coming my way. But the plain simple fact is that none of my business is really keeping me all busy. Enough said. I'm currently living on cloud nine because Arsenal kicked M.U's ass with a 1-0 win at Old Trafford. So to all M.U fans, beware because the Gunners are aiming to gun down some big teams! You got that right people, M.U was left behind!

Now, if I may leave the "footie" phenomena and concentrate on the picture above. I was left behind many times. If not for the constant rock solid support from a few people, I would have been stuck in a black hole. Likewise, university is potrayed to me as a fun place to be when I could been called cool. I was left behind although many people told me that it wasn't the same, no matter what was running through my mind.

Left behind. In many matters, like music, studies, family relationships, friends, and most of all is my prayer life. Hence, I wrote a song that basically depicts the struggles that I've gone through. Here it is and added with a tinge of "Brick" by Ben Folds Five, I proudly present "I need you so."


Verse
I don’t ask for money,
I don’t ask for fame to be,
I just want to hold you now,
To make you feel secure.

Sometimes I am able to,
Sometimes I just fall through,
Sometimes I just lose my cool,
When you ask too much from a fool.

Chorus

And here I am,
Alone and in the dark,
And I’m waiting for the time when it shall be,
Revealed,
And if I was given,
Just one more minute,
Then I would tell you just how,
I need you so.

Verse
There are times when we fight so hard,
And I cannot control my words,
When tears start to flow,
My heart does not cry for you now,

Bridge

Sorry doesn’t mean anything,
When I’ve been using it for everything,
And after all that’s said and done,
I am hollow,

Once again, I would like to thank the many people that I've met in my entire "perasaan" life. Thanks guys and gals! This one's for you! Cheers!

All I wanted was to see her and when that time came, I freeze up. Arrgh! Some people say that memories of her that echo around me are just time killers. Also, it seems that the more intoxicated I am over her than my guitar. Dude, I need to get a life. Kill me, I need to breakaway from this...

So, my childhood friend(Abraham) says that I should stop writing pathetic things that come into my life. Write some fiery shit and if possible, don't wallow in self-pity. I kinda like the idea but unfortunately, I don't have the time! Damn it, wish I knew where I'm headed off to. Can I talk to a girl whom I have crush on now and be ignorant and naive at the same time? Wait, I'm confusing myself here and others.

Nevermind about that, let me in on something that I've been postponing for a very long period of time. Some might say that it actually trails back to Stone Age. What a "compliment" guys, thanks a lot! I must really thank my lucky stars because a friend of my brother happens to work in the film industry. Thanks to him, I managed to secure a guy that is an independent record label "Dirty Rat Music" company. Had a chat with him on my current situation and all the shit that has been spurting out of my mouth to proclaim my album's launch. Good Lord, so many promises made and yet none fulfilled. Moving along, we discussed on the current music industry and the difficulties. He gave me some ideas on self-promotions and also.

The best part is that I want it launched but financial constraints has my hands tied and it's not good because not having a budget is a major handicap factor. I have until mid September to draft out my budget which doesn't leave me much time as future working(part-time) contracts have to secured soon. I hate to bring my mom in the picture but as a major finance instituition, it sucks when shit happens. "You want to play your guitar everyday and hour you might as well don't study anymore. Go out and work and then you can have all the time you want to play." Ouch. Still going on with it no matter what happens. Holy cow, I sound like Jean Claude Van Damme. So cliche.

Sounds like a guy being satisfied with what was given to him by the girl. That’s the main thing about Bon Jovi that I love, the underlying meaning of the song. The way he writes and puts it in words which are simple and used everyday.

I’ve always wanted to meet and fall head over heels over a girl that would ultimately come and turn my whole world upside down. What wishful thinking this little fry has in his petite appearance. To put it in words is almost impossible because we all know what falling in love can really do to us. As I am young and foolish, I pray that my dear friends will pardon my actions of being so naïve.

Everyday when I used to think of her it was like “pot” or in better words marijuana. I landed the role of a junkie in this B-grade movie. I couldn’t afford to focus my mind on any other things that were not related to this issue. I tried and tried but the image of her was so well fortified and cemented that Salmah, Swee Ching nor could Siva ram through those walls.

How do others gain contentment? How about me? Let us remember that “contentment” can mean a variety, so it is very diverse and subjective. Now, when I look into her eyes whenever we met up, it melts me. Corny as it may sound; I don’t deny the possibility of me still missing those eyes up till now. Nevertheless, let it remain as it is so as to permit the future to control all movement through time and space that was once stalled in my life. As Nick Lachey says, there is always a part of us that will remain vividly, especially if it the one that you really gave your 110% effort to. She always tells me, “You’re trying to hard. Be yourself.” I want to, but there is this dysfunctional system in my brain that keeps telling me and many others like me that we must tell that special someone that I’m not good enough to be with you but the outcome is still the same. We want to be loved and who doesn’t? Maybe some poor soul that has lost faith in love coming from God or people or he’s so sick of life and all its misbegotten trials that we humans have to go through as it’s a ritual for us humans to undergo.

Let’s get down to business. She is still on my mind and there are no words to describe what a tsunami of emotions can do to someone when all I have is just obliteration winning most of the battles and most of all my insides are raging without any restraint. Nothing else could explain because as far I know, it’s just a passing moment and I really thank God himself for sending me such a memorable gift that I could ever receive; not inclusive of the good times that was born during that short span of time. Likewise, I shall not blabber anymore because she I presume has moved on and from a close friend’s opinion, “Once a girl gets hurt real bad or loses something she really loves, she either becomes stronger or permits the sadness to eat her alive inside.”

Once again, my apologies for any words that might have hurt you in any way. I didn’t have any intentions of hurting you, so thanks once again for being there to show me what happiness really means...

P/s: This article was written without any restraints and barriers and hopefully that I can channel my focus to my “wife”. It’s what I call my beloved guitar…-_-‘’’ For the record, thank "you" for showing me all is not green on the other side.

A mother's love knows no boundries. Over centuries and years, many people have travelled only to find that a mom will always be a mom.

Now,where am I suppose to go with this statement? Should I let you'll in on an analogy that just recently happened which inadvertnently caused me to rethink about the countless accusations, libelous and derogatory statements made by me? Our christian community leader (Nicholas) called and my sister picked up the phone. He then asked for my mom who in turn looked at all of us with an expressionless face that one might think that she was indeed suffering from the most bitter and disdain sample offered which somewhat reflected fine tasting connoisseurs possess. Not that she deserves all the heat and mountain of work of notifying everyone when there is a meeting with the parish priest and expect the community to come together as one. What was she supposed to do? Sit down her point and be defiant or she could just be the timid mouse that everybody loves; Stuart Little would make a perfect double.

I've known my mom since the I skied my way into this world. She lies, but never once have I seen her lie for the sake of her children. The predecessor (Jerome) was working his ass off and a man of that passion and responsibilty could have been easily snapped. Under pressure for about 95% of his tenure, Nicholas decided to take a break and let all his "underlings" do all his unworthy work. Now, I know that this is a very biased entry but the fact is that he doesn't want to help around. He is there when the fun, excitement, endorphins are ballooning under the umbrella of fun. So much for the president post that he proudly trumpeted that he will take over from where the journey halted for a slight bump that will not be the obstacle of this community as he so claims it to be.

He has really steel nerves to ask my mom to do his chores. One of the biggest mistakes that he could ever make was to ask my brother and me to help him in his "mission". Even mine will bend under intense pressure and heat emanating from my mom. My mom simply told him flat straight that my brother is at work and I was at the cyber cafe doing my assignment when the fact of that statement was practically a bluff man. That particular assignment (Journalism) was submitted last week and there are really no words that can really describe the intensity of the awe I've learned to hold in honour of my mom. Good lord, what else lies under her scabbard heart? Lurking and waiting for the right moment to arise and that will be the time and moment in the history of mankind that I'm finally able to view my mom's "Cracken" from point blank range.

Though interrogation has been her middle name, she has kept me atop on the cloud of doubt that she is really a two-faced person. Do I buy that junk? Well, if someone persuades me to buy it, all I can say is "multiply" yourself. Above all mom, thanks for everything and you have to forgive for being such a real pain in your ass. I came out of birth smoothly and now I'm giving you hell. Unlike my other two siblings, I am the devil. Love you mom!

p/s: Multiply = F*** according to Mr Chang, a Psycholinguistics Lecturer. Any reports that are to be lodged should be forwarded to him, not me for I am just a humble messenger that carries his word and apply it for the greater good of mankind.

Here I am.Waiting for the time when it shall all be revealed.Of course,I have to congratulate Aaron Aw for making such lame,crude and hilarious jokes.What else needs improvement when the people around you are making up for your shortcomings?See this picture of me?It shows me that for once in my life,I look back and I finally see the flaws in me.As people say,change for the better good and live up to your dreams.I'm afraid here,afraid of being found out.





I really thought that maybe the atmosphere I live in could be possibly polluted.Corrosive as it sounds,it may well be my life saver.For I have lived enough in the shadow of doubt,fear and guilt.What more is there to life for me?I doubt the fact I'm able to kill the demons of past.Nevertheless,I wish that all I have is a trouble free life.Thanks guys,for all the gifts and thoughts.I know that I'll never be able to be what you guys fantacise but I'll try.

My first Malay girlfriend


Being a Chinese is not easy, especially when you have infatuation for the fairer sex; Malay girls in specific. When you’re from a boys school and entering Form Six gives a whole different feeling as to what was experienced during the past five years of secondary school. The need to call someone “Dear, Darling, Sweetheart or Sayang” grew with every passing minute, so strong that my studies were affected. I never expected the unexpected to happen.

There wasn’t much of activity during Lower Six because most of us weren’t really bonding with everyone. I was garnering contacts but finally figured out that the girls come to me, not vice versa. In Upper Six, I managed to set my eyes on this particular Malay girl that was shy, demure and quiet. It came accidentally; we met when I was en route to her class on the occasion of handing in my assignment. I was asked to do a post-mortem with a group there because we did the same assignment topic. She was quiet but I have always the skill of admiring the eccentric and hidden. I tried to keep looking away but somehow those innocent eyes managed to reign in my wandering eyes. When she smiled at me, my heart thumped with anxiety but managed to gather enough courage to ask for her number. I was so nervous that I fumbled like never when our hands met accidentally.

We contacted each other on a constant basis and after all this, I told my church pals. They were impressed nonetheless but there was still a disturbing fact because of widely known contradiction. Mom was a staunch Catholic and here I was chasing after Malay girls which will definitely boil her anger because she has warned me of the severe repercussions that will ensue if this should ever happen. Disappointment followed because of the stupid, illogical, dumb ruling that the government implemented. Why proclaim freedom of religion when it’s not even half true? I couldn’t be bothered but above all, I couldn’t understand why religion became a barrier. They warned me but it all fell on deaf ears.

Two weeks before the annual Prom Night, I asked her what was she going to wear but it came to a very heart-wrenching end. She didn’t want to continue anymore because of the crisis this relationship was harboring. She didn’t want my mom to get all fueled up over this and she also wanted me to have a healthy mother-son relationship. We talked and came to a conclusion that we should separate for the better of two very different worlds.

“I tak nak mak you marah, it’s better for the both of us.” Those words really took it all but it needed to be done. Time was the concoction that was desperately needed to heal invisible wounds. When everything fell into place, I was flabbergasted at my own stupidity. How dumb can I get? We’re living in Malaysia, that’s where some “issues” are being coerced, contradicting the basic human rights of freedom of religion. Somehow, being egoistic, selfish and stupid cannot really guarantee a winner but there is a probability. Depending on the context, the way we play the game is vital in order to survive in this cold world. Playing it right and within limits always brings the winner home.

What am I supposed to do with all the vulgar words that are pouring out of the mouths and hands of others? Tell me! Alright, maybe I'm freaking out but I'm flabbergasted because I know a friend who seems to have underwent an operation that totally changed her life. The person that I used to know is no longer the same or mabye this could be due to the fact that she didn't show her other side last time. But she has changed and this is a really shocking revelation for me. I don't want to know anything else, or maybe listen to her explanation for all this obscene and vulgar words. Is it worth it? Hmm, maybe I will but I find myself constantly troubled by the one simple fact that she still talks to people that have either hurt her or done whatever to cause her pain. Good Lord, I really have no idea of what the world is coming to today. Forgive the flurry of words that seem to be popping out now but there is still no restricting the shock that I'm currently felling.Maybe she should sit down and learn to think a bit of what to do with her life and hopefully, do what is right.

That doesn't mean that I don't use it but I'm trying to restrict my usage of course. My mom tells me that I should learn to be a more homely man. No comments but the simple hollistic fact still remains. Has she changed for the better good of vice versa?

People,my apologies for really bitting on your nerves.Sometimes I hit the wrong note and then everything all goes haywire.But most importantly,I implore for lies to help me cover up what ever wrong I have done.Everyone has told me that it's not the best way to get out or even obtain something.But when has it been easy for old habits to die hard?For me it has become a part of me that sometimes I just feel depleted to lie.Lie,lie,lie.What has become of this one,small lie that in turn has betrayed me to become a monstrosity over the past years?No one knows except me.

Sometimes I lie for the right reasons.Sometimes I don't.Sometimes it's to please the arousal of laziness.All this have been the way that people have started to streotyped me.I'm not mad,just very disappointed at the fact that I'm stil the same person since day 1.Not that I don't want to change,but times when tears flow from both parties I consent.Give a day or two after that,it all dissolves back into lies.That's why I believe old habits die hard.But how easy is it?People tell me it's not right,you shouldn't do it.What's their angle when they do it?Do they feel the same way as I do?It's just not right,they don't know what we're feeling and vice versa.

Tell me one thing.All of us have lied to people that we love,right?Now,what's going on in our mind that makes want to lie even when we know it shouldn't be done?Why do we keep surging forward hoisting the mindset "It's the last time.." high?There will never be a last time.Not everyone that I know can withstand the lustful concoctions that the power of lying is able to conjure.I admit that I've lied to my friends,family,ex-girlfriends.In fact,I've even lied to God.Nothing to be proud of.I daresay that sometimes when I try too hard,it brings me to different plateau that I myself have not visited.All this bores down to the fact that a person like me will never give in to humility or honesty.What more is there to say?My point has been made but still as I write this,my thoughts go flying at the sound of a newly conceived lie.What do I tell my friend whom I promised to follow her but ended up making her angry?Tell me,should I lie?Beat the truth out of my mouth?

Let me tell you'll this; I lie for the plain,all-dominating,evil,cunning,shrewd,egoistic being that I am.I presume myself to be a monstrosity with all these lies done,it's not like it's something I should be ashamed of.Why should I?This is nothing compared to all the other lies,disappointments,heartbreaks and anger felt by others when the one simple lie that was conceived on that very moment led to the forthcoming of pain which was to be felt by others first,then me.

Sound logical?This entry maybe just the aftermath of all the events that has possibly made my life seem more short.Nothing is impossible through prayer,but for me it would be somewhat like..Interested?Check out the next entry.

That dreaded day, when I was supposed to undergo an operation to remove my ingrown toe nail. I had to endure like a sizzling five hours, not including the mental torture that those enclosed walls provided so happily. My operation was slated for 10 a.m. but being the “selfish” person that I am, decided to go early in hopes that the other three patients would be still sleeping. After all, the orthopedic guy asked me to head there earlier if I wanted an early op. Luck wasn’t favorable that day, so the three of us was told that there were a few emergency cases that required immediate attention. So we had to sit and wait.

Looks can be deceiving, so if you’ll think that GH is dark and dreary, corridors splattered with paint with the imminence of sloppy, that’s like the past because it wasn’t at all that bad. Counting a few glitches like mopping the floor when people are moving about at lightning speed can cause severe heart failure. Don’t mind the exaggeration, we all throw a fit capable of tearing mountains apart when that happens. It’s bad man, no shit. I felt really bad when I had to walk through that particular corridor and silently I prayed that the janitor wasn’t “jampi’ng” me in any way. I did mumble sorry but I guess that it was kind of inaudible to human ears. The concoction they blend together with their cleaning liquid pervades our nostrils with a deadly, pungent stench that made me really nauseated.

En route to the operation theatre, I was given a set of clothes that reminded me of my dearly beloved night pants and shirt. Hey, I didn’t look good in that outfit. I felt like I was wearing an elephant suit atop of my skinny frame. What’s worse, the waist line of the pants was like double of mine. I practically strangled my waist trying to find the most wanted tying point. “I feel like a monkey in a monkey suit.” quoted from “Hot Pursuit” by Christina Skye. Touché, don’t you’ll agree?

Armageddon was at hand. As I entered I was again, not so politely to wait again while the nurses and a few doctors chatted in some foreign language, which to my limited comprehension delivered an answer. Some type of medicinal jargon. 15 minutes into, Dr Sidek approached me and started talking to me in a very rough, hushed, menacing tone. He was staring flat at my toe while muttering those words and being the blur guy, I nodded my head in understanding, laced with a few grunts and moans. Suddenly, he looked up and apologetically explained his alien tone. “A sore throat.” Making matters worse, his English sounded like some Arabic guy speaking unsalvageable French. No offence, but I was rather thankful he picked my cue and continued in Malay. Everything was smooth sailing after that right up to the OT. (Operation Theatre)

As I lay down facing the blinding lights, the whole team converged in a corner, as if in a trance proceeded to mutter again some distinct jargon. Then the curtains were brought up and the doctor briefed me on the slight pain that would ensue; at least five injections were compulsory. What the hell right, bring it on! Two would be at the left and right side of my toe and the remaining three would be spread out among the nail. Each would be pierced at an appropriate junction that would somewhat numb the nerves of my toe. Now, the injections were nothing than less than I expected it to be. The first two were normal but the remaining three were like hell man. When he pierced me, it felt like he was actually sucking out all the blood in there. My whole toe felt like it was being crushed under tremendous pressure. Had to stifle the pain as the remaining two more were more or less that level.

20 minutes in and I’m done. So I walked out a proud man for having braved the surgery, which was really nothing. Feeling victorious, I received bad news from my brain that my sandals were having troubles fitting my newly crowned big toe which resembles something of a mummified head. All in all, I’m happy now that I’m able to walk properly knowing that my toe is no longer a freak on a leash.

Prayers are the most important thing in your life.Lately,I have begun to realize that it really does affect whatever we do,be it good or bad.Likewise,I have dreamt of things that not only help me get through the day but to get me back upon my feet and think about life.What exactly does a person do when he/she is looking back on the past but then doesn't want things that are right in front of him?It's funny that I see that the world has evolved in a certain way which I deem will bring goodness to this world of pain,hatred and anger.

Many of us say that you'll be fine when you go through a very bad,turbulent time.It's true but hey,for us Christians out there I presume that you'll know the "Footprints" story.We ask God why is there only one set during our times of bad luck and tough times."Why did you leave me to face all the pain and music all by myself?"God said,"It was then that I carried you,never once I left you to be all alone.I was with you all the time."We scold God and others.Isn't it easier to pin the blame on someone that was with you all the time during your good times and then left you all alone when the going got tough?That's right,many of us don't realize the importance of others that were with us but we just never really appreciated them.Then we shove all the problems,trials,pains and whatever "evil" contraptions we might have created during the Reign of Anger.

I can't really understand what exactly God has in mind for me but I sure know that if it is his will,then so be it.Amen.

Haha!I'm back again with yet another boring tale to tell.What can I say?The sky is blue and my brain got freezed.All around me people stop and say "Waddup".Post brain stress,got to be excused.Well,hate to see your attention fly somewhere else so I got to share with you'll some juicy stories.Truth is,there is none.I know,everybody is stressed up over the exams but look at me,I'm the best example of stress that anybody can conceive.I'm not God man,but the night just slowly burned it oil as I read and there was this thing that made a whirring sound that comforted me,it radiated music,my genre and what's more,felt so damn "Jiwang" yesterday.Sigh,my life is so pathetic and funny.Full of shit like I say but there are times when we all just want to run and hide.Saw this show the other day on tv,some cop went gay bashing.He bashed up this two gay men and one man stood there and beat the crap of out that cop but the dramatic part was the cop was twice this gay guy's size.After this incident,he told his lawyer that he was tired of running away whenever he was attacked or afraid.He wants to help stop all this for fear of his own kind's safety.Cut the story short,the gay guy's lawyer told the jury on the closing day for the case on the decision they should make on the gay guy's action.Should he have ran?Why should he?He's trying to protect innocent ones from harm and what does he deserve?Trial?All he needs is a simple thank you.

So,got your mind working?From my point of view,all of us have been running away from all the problems in our lives.But the catch here is that there are others who will be there for you,whether you know it or not.All of us are here for a reason,to help each other.You maybe a rich guy whose wealth has no bounds but has that stopped you from helping a blind person get into the LRT?Or even giving up your seat for someone whose need is more dire than yours?I'm not immaculate,perfect or a saint.I'm like the best impersonator for the "Devil in disguise" association.I scold people in my mind when they do not give up their comfort for others but do I scold myself when I do the same?NO,hyprocrisy and ego is overpowering me.Chinese people say,"GIve me face lah" and look back on your life and actions,have you ever said that "I cannot lose face here."It's obvious,I do it all the time and thank God,I'm able to see it now.

I generally hope that those who read this will gain a different perspective on the way we gain insight on our world.Peace.

Man,am I on fire..So far I've had like 4 papers down and another 2 more to go.So,is it contradicting to say that now feeling very depressed and down just simply because of the fact that some of the papers were hard.Alright,it's not some,it's all!Argh!!Somehow or rather I feel that this is some anually exam that is compulsory,it is compulsory.See?My brain just went cuckoo.It got freezed when I sat for the literature paper last Thursday,20 May 2006.So I guess that it's spoilt for good now.Maybe the next time when we meet up,you'll see a different side of me.No guarantees that it would be the lighter side of me but we don't always get what we want.Can't wait for the whole thing to be over but there is a little setback to my "genius" plan which I plan to execute during the semester break.I have to go for an operation.It's a recurrence of an operation that happened like a few years back.I have an ingrown toe nail,the Big Toe,the mother of all toes,Big Momma.Call it whatever you want.Guess as I'm writing this I will be screaming in pain,somebody call an ambulance!I have potential to be an exaggerator at times.Many will echo that statement.You'll want to know what is an ingrown toe nail?It's another layer of nail growing under your natural nail.Why does it happen?It happens when we tear the left side of the nail skin on the left foot and vice versa.So the nail grows into it.That's it.Pray for me guys,I want to live to see another day.So damn bloody dramatic, "Exaggerator+ Drama King = Bernard." Love me or hate me.

three simple words.are all it takes.is it strong?what can it do to you?
i really dunno.but it does wonders.at times.and at times it spoils everything.

it depends on who says it, how they say it,when and where. but why does this all matters for me?
why is it that its playing with me?why is it that its so hard to resist?

words are how i express myself.its me.purely me.here.in words.why does it have to be so complicated sometimes?what is this that i have?

can i be patient till the end?can i take it all in?can i keep it in?can i?

where will this lead to?i dont know.i dont want to know.all i want is to be free and happy.
three simple words.

Hmm..Really starting to believe in deja vu.Why?Because last Tuesday,I told Dr Carmen that I have a strong feeling that I will be late for this Friday and won't be in time to submit the assignment.The best part is it came true.Freaky man,I wonder why the world is so against me and not vice versa?Maybe it is happening but I just can't see it,right?Alright,deja vu can't be that bad so I'm just going to move on and forget about the past.My motto now is "Don't dwell in the mistakes of the past but rather dwell in the mistakes of the future."Man, I really thought that wouldn't happen.Let's jump to another topic.

I was running through this person's blog and wow,he totally,like totally blew me away(no infatuation arousing) but crashed back to the ground as soon as I saw a grammatical error.A very minuscule one,that it actually looks as correct as can be but what can ecape the eyes of "GOD"?So lame.There is one thing which I really admire is that his usage of boombastic words that practically blew me away;I haven't even seen those words before in my short and uneventful life.What a discovery.I guess that's what actually pull you back down to planet Earth when you think you're the "man" just because others say so.Where do I stand or even others who think themselves mighty,superior,high or of royal pedigree?We stand no where my friends,like my mom tells me,"If you think that you're good and flawless,rest assured that there is someone out there better than you and vice versa."Isn't it so damn true?You'll want my two cents worth?No doubt about it man!So,I here now bring word that whoever starts to flatter me with words that are nothing but plain,flowery flattery will be tried for treason!"Ok,that's is just so damn lame.Can I help it?Nah!So guys,there is a sense of uniqueness emnating from each and everyone of us.Embrace it and become who you were born to be!

p/s:There is no offence,hard feelings,grudges or anger intended.Any association with the dead or living is purely coincidental.What is written here is purely fiction(not all,but there are some elements of truth in it), no pun intended.Peace.

Oh yeah,life's just so good to me.But despite all the goodness it brings,I still have to accept this fever and fatigue that life has brought for me yesterday.Sweetheart,that's the main reason why I didn't call you.By the time I got back which was about 8.30 pm,I just took a quite shower because my head was throbbing and my body was like a volcano ready to erupt,I took my dinner and just went off to sleep immediately.If I'm not mistaken,I think I slept for about 12 hours,half a day right?9 pm to 9 am.So exhausted,and to make matters worse I had to go to the gym on Monday which evidently made me so tired.I couldn't even carry 1.25kg.That was when one of my friends(whom I met coincidentally) asked me whether I'm ok or not.But before I could spit out an answer,he told me to go back and rest.He even walked me home.Thanks man!That's why I guess it all comes down to just one thing,which is know your limits.Right now,I'm still feeling a bit weak but I guess I still can move on and for my birthday,I would definitely love my sweetheart to cook for me.Wonder if I can make a special request for lasagna?I have obviously fell in love with it and I know why Garfield craves for lasagna,eventhough it's rubbery.No more words,my mind is going to sleep.

p/s: Class was at 10 today and I got up at 9 am.Reached at 10.05.That is one close shave.Thank goodness Ms Surita wasnt angry,she never is unless we provoke her.Thanks Ms Surita!

Baby,want to apologise for not calling you yesterday.Stupid fever really getting on my nerves.

i thought she of all people would understand. i thought he would understand. i miss him so much now. i wonder does he knows it?

i had a bad day.it'll pass they say. somehow more and more just come piling on. i wish he could blow it all away. i wish he knows i want to be safe, and cuddled up in his arms now. i wish he knows the many thoughts i had.

ahh..life.nothing but full of shit.almost blew up in front of BH today. i dont know why but he's really acting weird around me.is it me?this is where the attitude problem comes in.i wish he can be a bit more considerate.a bit more cooperative. being a friend instead of a 'friend'.

i miss him soooo much i wish he'd call. saw something i thought would be nice for him today. but didnt have enough cash so i had to forget bout it. decided to make him a nice meal for his upcoming birthday. i know im not spending much on him. but im really tight right now.sorry bubu. i named him bubu.felt that its cute. and there's a lot of meaning to bubu. heee..

bubu for me is like a place to be spoiled, when you feel sad and someone offer a shoulder to cry on is a bubu, bubu is when you did something wrong and the someone forgive you. cos its bubu. no one can get mad at bubu. so i named him bubu.but bubu said that bubu meant a thing to catch fish and some sea stuff..hee

i really wish i could hear his voice now.miss his singing, miss him soooo much.

im pretty sure he's mad rite now. sorry bubu. im pmsin. bear with me please.. i love my bubu.

oh i just realised something.i evolutionised bunny to bubu. heee... carry the same meaning though.

Now,there is only one thing that I know about myself.People say that I act kind of immature and well,it's true.I'm not denying it and sometimes I do give the double standard treatment.So what do I derive from all this minus the fact that I like to use fancy fancy words.I found out that there is a difference between being childish and childlike as what Fr Patrick said.I don't consider myself childlike but otherwise.Many I'm sure would agree with me but that is not my main point.The point here is that I need a change and a lot of people have told me that.I have a really serious attitude problem like I love to do things my way and if it doesn't go then I'll start to sulk,not in public but in the way I treat that person.See?There are many things that you'll don't know about me.It's kind of hard when you really split your personality when with family and friends.Likewise,I try to be the one that people will feel comfortable with but sometimes it just backfires.No need to say more.It's compulsory for me to change and become more matured because I'm going to be 21!No shit man!One thing that someone told me was that I should be a man.I shouldn't be afraid of making my point and my own stand and not just eating or drinking whatever the crowds do.Also,she says that I should learn to make decisions and not leave it to the other person to decide.In short,she's just asking me to charge of the situation and be a man about it.That's all.

read the cover line.lots of yakking of my unfair life.just got off the phone talking to thuan.
her words are so true sometimes.made me think.what the frog am i doing? why am i doing this to him? why is He doing this to me? i cant stop thinking its unfair to him. i do love him. thuan ask do i really? so the question now is how much can you love a person when you just got to know the person?he said he does love me. so is it really love? what is love? sometimes i get confuse of what He's doing. like why do this after all we've been thru? its not fair to me. and its not fair to him.

speaking of fair, life keeps on getting screwed. what the heck have i done in the past life to deserve this? i have been loyal to Him for sooooooooo frogging long. but lots of broken promises, betrayal leads me to where i am. i have been bad. i am not as good as you think. all i ask is for you to forgive me. for all that i've done. hurting you without me knowing it. i hurt too. a lot. life has been cruel.

everyday i wish i could forget the past and run with you.but i cant.its haunting me.i have sinned a lot. and now im doing it again.i dont want to.i do love you. will you ever find it in your heart to forgive me? how can i tell you i am being sincere? how can i show you i truly want to move on. forget the past? how do i let go?

where is my knight in shining armour? do they really exist? is it you? how can i be with you? how do you know you love me? why do you love me? i have been so horrible.im so sorry. dont let go what you've build. dont let go what we've build. love lost is better than no love at all.

you have been my light, my guide. you were there in my darkest days. you comfort me. you cared. you loved me.you tried and tried. will it ever be enough? good relationship gives you the sense of fulfillment. are you fulfilled?is it enough?

i admit. its not enough. why dont ask. i am sorry.but im trying to accept. im trying hard to be contented.lies and more lies. im tired. im sorry.

i do love you. now. and for always,
sam